This is one horrible situation to be in. This blog has not barely enough rantings about it.
In fact, I can’t tell if I’m just usually moody and cranky, or this has made me crankier/moodier than before.
It’s one thing to be apart from the love of your life. It’s another to not know when you will see each other again, when the long distance part of the relationship will end, particularly when you come from two different places with a reasonably comfortable life in your respective homes.
(Disclaimer: I suppose this has somewhat become increasingly common these days. I suppose while it’s rant-worthy and a lot tougher than couples just spending time apart knowing they’ll be back together again in their same country, it isn’t as tough as how military wives feel. Much respect to them.)
When you put long distance relationships on Google search, you read about how to keep the fire burning, how to put jealousy docked at bay, how to set boundaries, how to keep it going. But you don’t realize the emotional rollercoaster it takes you on.
I’ll admit that four years ago, when I first met S, I never thought I would ever do LDRs, though I was insanely infatuated by him. When I met him again two years later, I was still insane about him but I harboured no hope. And then things happened, and we’ve been together since. I’ll also admit that I love telling this story over and over, because it really is a great story to tell, in excruciating detail. It makes me smile just thinking about it.
Then you spend months apart and decide that it’s been too long. You decide you have to see each other again. You count down for ages to that very day you will be with your sweetheart again. And you do. And it’s amazing. You spend every moment indulging in the present, happy to wake up the next day and still see him there. But then you worry about the next separation.
And it comes, of course. Your lives are separate.
When it comes, it crashes hard. You sob and bawl, you think your life is messed up. You don’t know why you put yourself in this situation. You go your separate ways (physically) and you don’t know when you will see each other again.
You wonder how you ever made it through life without that person because now it seems like an impossible task. You struggle to find your backbone, to stand tall alone, to be independent, to not need somebody lying by your side at night.
And you will. You will get used to it; you will stand tall.
Of course, the cycle repeats. You are still insanely in love, you struggle to find the next best opportunity to meet. You do, and it’s amazing. Then somebody leaves and it sucks. You’re taken away from your paradise again. You start to wonder if the three words mean anything. Words are just words. If you don’t put in enough effort, you can’t find the warmth and the love in them. It’s just cold and flat – just letters of the alphabet strung together – for what? To pretend they’re the warmth of a hug or the tenderness of a kiss? Or the light a smile brings to the room?
LDR makes you question a lot of things. Google was wrong, it is not about questioning the fidelity. It makes you question a lot more – yourself, your partner, your beliefs.
Through this relationship, I’ve learnt that most of the advice on the Internet has been crap, because as a couple, you will set your own rules. You don’t need to talk everyday, or tell each other every single detail happening in your life. You don’t need to get all the technology that allows you to text and pretend they’re with you. Often, many of these advice also forget time difference, or the fact that both of you may have jobs.
I just have two advice, if you absolutely, definitely have to be in a LDR:
- Set your own rules.
- Plan a forseeable end to the LD in LDR.