die Fremde (the stranger)

Lately I’ve been feeling like a stranger in my own country, in my own home. How did that happen?

Everything is familiar, sure. I could walk around with no sense of direction and still find what I wanted to find. But still, something is just wrong.

While things are familiar, they’re not necessarily comfortable. I’m not content. I know I’ve experienced the feeling of bliss and comfort altogether, and I’ve been unable to find it here. And I know where to get it. I know who is in that scene in my head. I just don’t know when or how to get there.

To top it off, I’ve a growing (accidental) list. A list of things that other people are doing differently from how S would. Because of the distance and the unfixed time we’ll see each other again, I like to imagine what he would do if he was here. It makes me feel better because I know how he would react. And he would do a lot of things differently – and to me (but maybe not to you), they’re different in a better sense.

Sure, perhaps all these are pushing me to reject my surroundings. But sometimes I like to give my surroundings a chance, and I feel like the rejection is mutual.

Is it possible to be growing increasingly misfitting to your environment? Can you feel like you don’t belong in a place you’ve been all your life?

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Bastille – Pompeii

This sums up how I’m feeling right now.

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You’ve been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

I have to retreat to the corner of my bed now.

Being Too Comfortable

A year and a half ago, I knew what I wanted and I was searching for it.

Things didn’t go according to plan, and this became plan B. Then S came along, and plan A became increasingly an ideal plan. Before I knew it, time flew by and the end of 2012 is in my face.

As we await the truth of 21.12.2012, that is whether we all perish or not, I’ve been reminding myself not to get too comfortable with the current situation.

I work in an environment where more than half of my colleagues are anticipating their impending retirement in their positions. We don’t have the best pay but we have really great corporate benefits. I’ve settled down and have a lunch entourage I can always count on to make the days a little better. I always have some people I will IM on a daily basis to make things livelier. I am comfortable with everyone in my department. I have networked reasonably far and wide in this company. Of course there’s always more I can do, I’m not saying I’ve done a perfect job.

But every now and then, especially now, I remind myself to get off my chair, wipe off the dust and evaluate if I’ve been sitting on my ass for too long. A little over a year couldn’t have been too long, but it was never what was planned. And I’ve been talking about wanting the same things for ages. Rereading some information online has made me realize I’ve done it the easy way, found an obstacle and quickly placed it in a KIV (keep in view) corner.

I’ve realized how easy it is to fall into the trap of being too comfortable with what works. I’ve been so comfortable on this chair that when presented with the world as my oyster again, I hesitate. I wonder if it is worth giving up this peace I’ve been having.

And gosh, that was scary. I’m glad I found it every now and then. It, being the conscious effort to get off my chair to take a look around.

I need a different chair. And I need to first get off my ass before I can plonk onto another chair.

And I’m not really talking about chairs.

pride and irony

Interestingly, just as I heard a national day song playing on TV, I was reminded that one year ago on National Day, I had missed the entire parade as I was having a Skype interview in hope that I could do an internship in New York.

One year later, I’m having the same discussion, but for a different country (Deutschland, ja gerne) this time. This has come up again and again and again.

It’s enough of saying I need a change, and the world is my oyster. I know the general change I want, and I’ve the biggest push to date.

I’m sorry I don’t feel rooted here. I don’t feel contented. I don’t feel satisfied and whole. And I’m sorry it took a song (that is supposed to invoke nostalgia and national pride) to remind me that I’ve just done this a year ago. It failed then, but the next time I try (possibly next year, depending on how things pan out), I will be prepared. I will try even harder.

I know it’ll be tough. But damn it, I need to try and make my own mistakes.

I just need time to zoom by a little quicker now, if you don’t mind…