Yes, this feels very 2009, when I was on exchange in France.
I’ve a tendency to move to an amazing place, then stay cooped up in my shell and then ponder about whether I’m adapting well, whether I’m making the right choices, etc.
Since moving to Berlin, (again, amazing city) I’ve been happy to start a routine, to make me feel at home in my own home. And I do. I’m really happy with the apartment, and though S and I are still figuring out how to live our lives together, we’re still glad to have each other.
Then he left me for his work training that takes place in the opposite side of the country, and I’ve been alone for one week now, and with another week ahead. I’ve been feeling super alone this week, though I’ve been occupying myself with homework, with painting of the apartment, with a cycling trip, jogging, going out, etc. I still felt somewhat uneasy.
Then yesterday half of my language class met up for drinks, and they were the half that was always present but I’ve never spoken much to. Somehow I retreated to a circle that was present only half the time, and never really initiated hangouts.
I’m not an incredibly sociable person, to be honest. I always need the backing of someone familiar. For example, S is super sociable and can speak to really anybody on earth. He can think of topics off the top of his head from the get go, and that’s a brilliant skill. For me, it depends on whether I’m comfortable enough or not. So when we go to parties, he always starts the ball rolling, and because he’s there, I’m comfortable enough to socialize as well.
In conclusion, without him or anyone familiar, I’m a mess. I’m introverted, I’m worried all the time, and I’m nervous. As always, before any social event, I’m whining to people about how I’m alone but how I’m nervous about the night. But I know I’m always glad about how it turns out after, so I decided I do need to crawl out of my shell. And last night I did.
Maybe I haven’t had a great time with friends of mine in a long time. With S’s friends, they’re fun but it always felt like they’re his friends. But last night, my friends and I chatted in German. We were people from Singapore, Italy, Australia, France, Montenegro, Columbia – what a mix. I won’t say that we’re best friends now because we’re not, but now that I’ve seen a possibility of building a better friendship, having good companionship of my own, I feel much more at ease in this city.
Later, I’ll be with a Taiwanese girl, and on Wednesday I’m going to a play with a girl from Ecuador. (What are they called? Ecuadorans?) It’s not perfect because I’m really not super close to any of them, but it’s a huge step forward and a huge relief, knowing that I’ll be okay, and I’m not that alone.
And now, I’m off to check out someone’s guitar, as seen from his ad on ebay. Wish me luck!