The New Romance

Today I learnt something new: Many romanticize the idea of needing someone, as though one would wilt without the other. But this idea of dependency, I’ve grown to despise.

I’ve accomplished many things without my husband, while he watches on from afar. I think he hates the idea of dependency too. I have a great sense of achievement when things get completed, and I completed them, and hopefully I did a great job.

But the new romance is the idea that I don’t need my husband. It isn’t life or death that he has to be physically by my side all the time. It’s just that if I could choose, I would have him by my side. I would definitely prefer to share all my ups and downs with this man. If he isn’t there, it’s a pity and life sucks but I’ll get on with it. If he is, life rocks.

So I don’t think I’ll say “awww” at the sentence “I need you”. I miss you is great. I love you is better. I want to be with you is perfectly active.

I need you is just slightly pathetic. Isn’t it?


The Happily Married Man

There’s something about a man who’s happy to tell people that he’s married.

And that his lovely wife is at home waiting for him.

And that despite countless tantrums and frustrations,

he still thinks it’s the best decision ever.

My heart is dancing.


On good days, I’m advising friends who are down to pick themselves up because nothing’s ever that bad.

On days like today, I wish time would just swiftly pass by.

I spent the first half of my day surrounded by people. My flatmate, her husband and her friend. I could decide whether I would try to be in the know of all private jokes and stories. I could laugh as hard as they would. But I chose to exclude myself. I sat in the corner and spoke when I was spoken to.

You see, after 3 months of being apart, I sort of don’t remember how exactly it feels to be with H. I know from memory that it is good. But how good? I’ve been excited to find out again.

I spent yesterday evening in the loving company of my flatmate and her husband. They were in constant mockery of each other, and I found that endearing. I missed having that person to do all these things with, make jokes that are fully understood, have your little weird traits be appreciated.

Then last night, I dreamt that H came home. And all the feelings came back. I remembered how good it was to see him again. And the alarm rang. Damn the alarm.

Now I’m left to sit in the empty apartment thinking about how empty this feels, without him. Being with company didn’t make me feel like participating. Being among strangers didn’t make me feel better. I wasn’t quite in the mood for much else, so I was happy to buy a frozen pizza to bake for dinner. I sort of just want to hide in my shell for a bit. At least just for today.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. If I return to dreaming of all other weird stuff except H.

LDR woes

Yesterday, I faltered to my feet.

Through bad internet connection and a bunch of other frustrations, H and I turned on Skype at last and I couldn’t do it. I was armed with stories but all I wanted to do was cry my heart out.

And you’d think it strange. I had a very well-filled weekend: dinner before the Halloween stuff happened, sweet treats with coffee before a night at a bar celebrating dias de los muertos. It was a very interesting weekend with ups and downs.

But yet, I was just upset about everything and nothing. I was upset that I couldn’t control the situation. I was upset that I was crying about the same thing – that H is away. I was upset that the connection still sucked.

I was thinking about how absolutely useless I am with long distance, that I wasn’t getting used to it at all, that I seem to be getting worse with time. I pretty much felt like, if he was coming back next week, I would’ve been crying till that day.

But H, as always, calmed me down and made everything okay. I’m not sure what or how, and he might not know either, but I was fine again. I went through the evening baking myself a focaccia bread.

Then the flatmate bade her husband farewell in the evening. They see each other every weekend, and still, when he left that evening, she kept quiet and stood by the window to watch him drive away.

It just so happened that I was looking for her that I realized she, too, was crying. And she said, it was so stupid because she should’ve been used to it by now.

Then it hit me – I’ve said that line a thousand times. And I was weirdly comforted by the fact, through her sorrow, that I was not alone.

Bang bang boom

I had one of those well-packed weekends – it came and went.

I had invited a friend over for dinner on Friday, took a long walk with another friend on Saturday morning, visited another at her place in the afternoon and spent my Sunday on a day trip in Szczecin with others.

I literally had to speed-bake on Saturday morning, race to point A with my bike and my fingers pink from the cold, spend some good time, race back with the bike, try to catch my breath, and race to point C.

We also took the train early on Sunday morning, way earlier than I was used to. On the way back, I sat next to a friendly man, as we conversed at ease in German.

In retrospect, I think I’m doing relatively well, living without H in Berlin. I’m filling up my weekends and I’m working on my German.

I truly enjoyed the weekend. It’s not that I was guilty that I had fun without him. I didn’t. I knew he wanted me to have fun here and create my own Berlin life.

But somehow, while I was thrilled to meet friends and have a good time with them, I still cannot shake off the feeling of knowing it would be just so much better if H was here. H makes everything way more fun without realising it.

If only the next 8 weeks would go by as swiftly as the weekend did.

The Path Thus Far

It’s funny. I grew up as a little girl hating boys. Boys were stupid and boys bullied me. So I went to a girls’ school between 13 and 16 years old. Then I decided they weren’t bad after all, and I started dating.

Hearts were broken, of course. Mine included. At a certain point, I was comfortable being on my own, thinking I’d never find the right one for me – and yet it didn’t matter, I didn’t care.

But the path took a sharp turn. I met someone, with whom I had the fondest of memories 2 years before, again, and the same good feelings returned. We pursued it further despite everything lying ahead. We were both at uncertain phases of our lives. But miraculously, it persevered.

In 2011, we spent a total of 2.5 weeks (1 + 1.5) together.

In 2012, we spent a total of 6 weeks (2.5 + 2 + 1 + .5) together.

In 2013, we spent a total of 17 weeks (1 + 1 + 15) together.

In 2014, we have spent a total of 32 weeks together so far. During which, he proposed and we married. H has now left for India for work and will return within the last weeks of December.

It’s funny that the time has only increased so far and we’re still hungry for more time. We need more time together.

But it’s amazing, looking back on what we have done and how crazy we have been – to take the leap of faith of being together without being together, to then make the move and be together, to then decide to want to be together for the rest of our lives.

And till today, I think it was the best decision of my life, and I can’t wait for the man of my dreams to be home.

Classical wedding tunes

It turns out we could to pick songs for our civil registry marriage, taking place in four weeks.

It wasn’t easy. Some tunes were so foreign, he thought that nobody in the room except me would understand that tune. Some tunes sounded more suitable for a funeral. Some tunes were just too cheesy, soft, lame…

After a long brainstorming sessions of what I called “hard”/”boom” songs, we wondered if we should have classical tunes instead.

So I shared the one classical tune I like (Cello Suite No. 1), but he didn’t like the sound of a cello. (I know.)

I said, okay, how about Canon in D?

We heard it and we remained silent for a bit.

Then I said, hey how about this version:
(Ok, it has a lot of cellos involved.)

And he said, how about this version:

I guess we’re not very classy after all.

The two months’ resolution

For some time, I’ve been whining about being here in Singapore, being apart from the one who makes me happy everyday, finding out that everything has changed yet everything has stayed the same.

I’ve been sad, I’ve been pissed, I’ve been worried, I’ve been stressed, I’ve been lonely – any truly happy moment has been hard to come by. When I’m down, I usually go towards nature – greenery and water. But I don’t feel like jogging there because the humidity sucks. (I feel you, World Cup players. Humidity is an ugly monster.) I don’t feel like going out, because I feel broke from being unemployed. (Doesn’t help that I received a letter for taxes and my insane mobile phone bill recently.) I’m on the computer all day, speaking limited words. I’m making up imaginary wedding plans in my head, but it’s no fun not being able to share them. I’ve a countdown app set to when I’m leaving: 56 days. I’ve a to-do list for the last week before I leave. I’m living either in the past or the future.

And to top it all off, the fiancé has a lot on his plate at the moment. And well… let’s just say I’m a story-teller – imagine a story-teller having no stories to tell. I’m that person right now. I feel hollow. I’m… lost.

But I’ve vented my frustrations enough. I’m tired of feeling tired of everything. It’s time to do something about it. So, I shall:

  • Spend 3 hours on job-related things everyday
  • Learn 5 words in German everyday
  • Find a way to be active every other day
  • Play a song on the guitar I’ve never played before every other day
  • Add to this list when I have more ideas

Honey to the ears

Fiancé: So, are you glad to return to Germany in 2 months?

I: Yes, and you know that.

Fiancé: (Fist bumps in the air) I know, I just wanted to hear it like a compliment.

I: Are you glad that I’m glad?

Fiancé: Yes, and you know that.

I: I know, I just wanted to hear it like a compliment.

Wedding discussions

Recently, I came across a song, which the fiancé recommended a long time ago, and I thought, oh my gosh this is a perfect song for our wedding, I relate to every word!

Lo and behold, the fiancé is unimpressed.

I: Why don’t you like it?

Fiancé: It’s too soft and he sings so pathetically.

I: What?! It’s too soft?

Fiancé: Yeah.

I: Be honest with me, darling. Are we going to dance to a rock song?

Fiancé: (makes a rocker face)

I: If we dance to a rock song, I will take off my shoes and put sneakers on.

Fiancé: Ok!

Time to shop for new sneakers.