die Fremde (the stranger)

Lately I’ve been feeling like a stranger in my own country, in my own home. How did that happen?

Everything is familiar, sure. I could walk around with no sense of direction and still find what I wanted to find. But still, something is just wrong.

While things are familiar, they’re not necessarily comfortable. I’m not content. I know I’ve experienced the feeling of bliss and comfort altogether, and I’ve been unable to find it here. And I know where to get it. I know who is in that scene in my head. I just don’t know when or how to get there.

To top it off, I’ve a growing (accidental) list. A list of things that other people are doing differently from how S would. Because of the distance and the unfixed time we’ll see each other again, I like to imagine what he would do if he was here. It makes me feel better because I know how he would react. And he would do a lot of things differently – and to me (but maybe not to you), they’re different in a better sense.

Sure, perhaps all these are pushing me to reject my surroundings. But sometimes I like to give my surroundings a chance, and I feel like the rejection is mutual.

Is it possible to be growing increasingly misfitting to your environment? Can you feel like you don’t belong in a place you’ve been all your life?