I evangelise positivity. When shit happens, I say, just flush it out, you’ll get a clean/clear slate again.
Okay, so I don’t exactly say that, but the point is clear.
I am rather naïve, I believe in sparks, miracles and amazing things. I believe in people and their abilities. I think their good turn deserves another. And particularly with the people close to me, I think they’re much to awesome not to be wanted for various reasons, e.g. job, love…
But I have an inability to listen to my own preaching.
When people are down, I say all sorts of great things and really believe in what I’m saying. I would feel like I’ve failed if I wasn’t successful in making them feel better.
But for myself, applying those same words to myself just doesn’t work. Somehow I just don’t understand how or why (or whether) good things will happen to me. It’s feeling like I’m undeserving, perhaps.
Every now and then I fall back into this well where I’m drowning in my own self-pity. I plan and hope for wonderful things but sub-consciously don’t believe that it will happen.
While the faith in my own happy ending continues to waver, I hope I find the strength to fight for this happy ending.
Damn this is hard.