Well roared, lion.

Have you ever been so angry that your entire mind and body gets mad along with you? You find yourself literally taking heavy puffs while walking. Your body curls up a little. You don’t want to speak to anyone else who’s innocent, really. You fight back tears. Your mood is ruined. You start to get mad at the weather. You start to get a headache.

I did yesterday. And it was exhausting.

It makes me wonder – how do people get so mad so often? I’ve a boss who roars every so often. We don’t take it personally because he’s just heavily passionate about the business. But still.

I just did it once in ages and I feel like I aged in a day. This exhaustion is so not worth it. Anger is so not worth my life.

If you ever get mad at someone, go do something that makes you happy. You don’t deserve to be angry.


Getting “hit on” on the train

I just got back from my first ever work trip – and it was to Madrid so it was quite awesome. But I’m very relieved to be home again. My husband’s missing but the place is lovely and quiet, and I get to be in my favourite solo spot – lying on the mat by the window.

While on the way back, I had to figure my way out of my least favourite airport and wait 20 minutes for a train that I didn’t plan to take. A lady asked if it was alright that she sat in my four-seater area. I said of course, and shuffled my luggage closer in, so she had more space.

Then it was silence for about 10 minutes as I fumbled with my phone and also tried to figure out if the familiar voice I keep hearing was indeed from someone I know.

As the lady about to check our ticket approached us, she warned me before, and all of a sudden we started to get talking.

As part of what I’ve been learning from The Happiness Project (this book is totally growing on me), I’ve taken the waiting time for transport to be factually terrible but mentally ok. I’ve got time, why do I need to get worked up about it?

And I was pleased that the lady and I started talking, because social activities make people happy and it totally made my day filled with simply travelling from one place to the other, trying to get home.

Not only that, we hit off really well. I said things like “I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but…” and it was a really lovely conversation. She initiated exchange of contacts, I suggested since she’s in town temporarily, we could hang this weekend while the husband’s away, etc.

And she said yes, how about tomorrow?

Isn’t this just ridiculously random but wonderful?

I’m also starting to get slightly worried that she isn’t contacting me because she has my contact and the power to reach out… Hope it doesn’t take 3 days.😉


Watch you grow

Have you ever watched yourself grow?

Trust me; it’s possibly one of the best feelings in the world.

I’ve been reading The Happiness Project and while I think it’s a far cry from a very exciting book I completed just before, it did teach me one thing: it’s absolutely fundamental to sit back and reflect your behaviour – all the good, bad and ugly.

Often, of course, we don’t give ourselves enough credit. We think we’re fat when we aren’t, we think we’re old when we hit 30, and we think true love falls from the tree and all bad behaviour means the relationship is falling apart. Myths. That’s what they are.

I constantly realise (without reminding myself) that I’m having the best time of my life right now, and it just keeps getting better.

I used to walk when completing a 2.4km sports test in school and struggle to reach my toes, but now I encourage others to join me in the 5.5km company run and am surprisingly flexible thanks to yoga.

I am a city girl who’s used to luxury and being driven around, but now I grab my backpack and trek into the woods without a problem.

I used to fear dark dodgy corners but now I keep my head up high.

I don’t dread getting older because I feel my age.

I used to hate speaking in German to my own husband but now I don’t think twice speaking in German to him, or his friends, or his colleagues.

And, the best part is – I used to dread work and look forward to the end of the day, while I now actually like that it’s a part of my day.

Feeling awesome isn’t about waiting for that one rare lottery moment that strikes you, but giving yourself credit for the effort you have put in to make yourself better.

Perhaps I hadn’t “peaked” early. And of course these moments can also be fleeting, but it’s important to remind yourself while you’re at it – that life can be pretty damn awesome sometimes.

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“So Berlin”


Berlin looks so innocent sometimes. But it never stops being synonym for something out of the ordinary. It’s the excuse for being different. “It’s so Berlin,” one would say, when something is off.

One of the first few things I got to know about Berlin was the booming start up scene. It was full of young freelancers meeting over coffee at St Oberholz, planning their next entrepreneurial move, making jokes at the big corporate world. The big multi-national corporations are the inefficient, money-wasting yet money-hungry group of people. It was the snub that basically said, they book plane tickets, we book buses. Where buses was the cool one.

I’m not that extreme, but I’ve to give in that I’ve started taking that mindset a little. Since living in Berlin, I’ve never thought less of fancy bars. Those are where the fancily dressed people with pearl necklaces go to. This is my start-up snub.

But recently I got to know someone who was a social snub. The moment the answer “I work in a small start-up” escaped my mouth after she asked what I do for a living, she had already placed me into a drawer, as they say in German. She has me fully stereotyped as she snorted and said that she already know how to identify people like me. Those young guys with their beard, with their pool tables in their offices.

Foosball table, I corrected her. But hang on, I hadn’t even explained what I do. I’m not a programmer, I’m not a designer. Why am I getting stereotyped before saying anything else?

Maybe I deserved it for being a start-up snub. But I don’t put people into boxes from the type of company one works in. And my husband works for a corporate, but I’m still in love with him.

Still, this sort of behaviour would be termed “so berlin”. I’m not sure if there’s a place anywhere else in the world where a substantial group of people spent more time defending refugees, and saying things like people should spend more time helping people, and still be completely against religion. I think that summed her up quite accurately, at least.


Quarter Life Crisis

I thought I lost it a couple of days ago.

I have a loving husband, a job I like, colleagues I enjoy spending time with, a gym membership that is almost worth it. And yet I needed more. I, with everything I could ever dream of, felt like my life served no real purpose. I, the successful and wonderfully blessed person, needed more.

I thought – this is it. It’s my quarter life crisis.

But on hindsight, I think it was a nice wake-up call. I’m cooped up in a very warm and comfortable bubble. Somewhere along the line, I subconsciously decided to take everything for granted. Nothing excited me anymore.

But that can’t be it. It must be a mindset thing. Someone once told me she took a seminar on willpower, and everyone received a pep talk and ran through a column of coal on fire. It was all in the mind.

The phrase “quarter life crisis” is a fashionable term. Almost as fashionable as boasting about how “busy” one is, to make one feel more important.

But it’s just a pretty lame excuse to be crappy to everything and everyone that was great to you.

Somehow I’m fine again. I found myself back and stopped being snappy. I know what I need and what I have to do.

If you think you’re in a quarter life crisis, think again.


Wind in our hair

Today, H and I tried out a new scooter-sharing system. It’s like every car-sharing system we have in Berlin but with an electric scooter. Eco-friendly.

It was ridiculously fun. The wind in our hair, weaving in and out of traffic, being able to watch out for traffic for him (because the view of the traffic behind is better when you’re sitting at the back).

I had to constantly remind him though, that we were slower than the cars, ergo slowest lane please, and that we were too quick, so no bike lanes.

And we got to park right in front of the door, without worrying about finding a parking lot.

The app also worked tremendously well and quick. We were both really impressed. And happy.

Travelling seemed so much more fun today.

Past tense

I lost my aunt today.

She was a joy to visit and call, because she was always full of optimism, full of joy and she was the most understanding and supportive aunt.

She had been battling her illness for a while, which makes grieving a little easier. But the use of past tense is unnerving. I do think she is in a better place now.

H, bless his heart, let me talk on and on about her while he’s away and exhausted from the day. But she was the best aunt.

I remember telling her about H, when he hadn’t met the family yet. She would come excitedly into my room, giggle and ask me to show her a picture of him. Then dizzy with excitement, she would tell me her impression of him – all of which were naturally positive comments.

She would ask a few questions about him as a person and about his family. Then she would quickly say that it’s important to know that one is a good person, and would be a good partner. And from my answers, she knew that I had found the right partner.

When I was moving to Germany, she told me not to worry, and that my parents just want me to be happy, and simply advised me to call home regularly.

When I moved to Germany, she asked if the environment was great, if I got used to the weather, if work was hard to find.

When I found a job, she was happy to hear that I had settled in. She had already started losing weight and energy by then, but she would tell me that hearing from me made her day.

When we visited in April, she was low on energy but she refused to let us leave. She happily told stories, waited for them to be translated for H, waited for me to translate H’s answers. We had planned to stay for an hour, but we stayed for hours more.

When it got so much worse a few weeks ago, I made her a video of me just saying hi from the bathroom stall at work. She insisted on her son taking a video and sending it back. She didn’t have the energy anymore to sit up or hold a phone. Her eyes were barely open, and she looked completely different. But in the short video, she managed to squeeze in the fact that she was delighted to see me and hear from me.

I’m extremely far away from home, and I won’t make it to the funeral. But I hope she knows that I’ll miss her very much.

French Actress

As the radio talked about the possibility of living on mars, I spoke to H about my skepticism towards it – because as humans, I feel that we are killing our earth and now possibly disrupting the equilibrium of another planet to save ourselves.

Then I went on to the topic of wondering if the human race will be completely wiped out one day. H thinks we wouldn’t, because we’re not dinosaurs.

I suddenly thought of epidemic possibilities, and wanted to make inferences to the film Contagion.

I: You know, the film with the famous french actress?

H: Errr…

I: Name me a few french actresses.

H: Brigitte Bardot

I: Nope

H: Sophie Marceau

I: Nope. She’s the one with the famous partner and they did a lot of films together.

H: Catherine Deneuve.

I: Nope, the one with the famous partner.

H: Oh! Astérix and Obélix.

I laughed till I cried.

The New Romance

Today I learnt something new: Many romanticize the idea of needing someone, as though one would wilt without the other. But this idea of dependency, I’ve grown to despise.

I’ve accomplished many things without my husband, while he watches on from afar. I think he hates the idea of dependency too. I have a great sense of achievement when things get completed, and I completed them, and hopefully I did a great job.

But the new romance is the idea that I don’t need my husband. It isn’t life or death that he has to be physically by my side all the time. It’s just that if I could choose, I would have him by my side. I would definitely prefer to share all my ups and downs with this man. If he isn’t there, it’s a pity and life sucks but I’ll get on with it. If he is, life rocks.

So I don’t think I’ll say “awww” at the sentence “I need you”. I miss you is great. I love you is better. I want to be with you is perfectly active.

I need you is just slightly pathetic. Isn’t it?

Time travel

Upon waking up after falling asleep on the couch, H and I shared this conversation.

I: Did I sleep long?

H: About 20 minutes maybe. What time is it?

I: 5 minutes to 2am.

H: Oh! That’s late.

I: No wait, 5 mins to 3am.

Thanks for robbing us an hour of sleep, daylight savings.

(But the truth is I’m thrilled to have an hour extra of daylight after work! :))