die Vergangenheit (the yesteryear)

Last Friday night, I did a crazy thing.

No, it was neither drinks, drugs nor a boy.

I met up with a friend from Primary School, as well as two of our teachers. The friend, J, was my best friend when we were 12 – we were inseparable. Since we left Primary School, we drifted in and out of contact but we’ve been increasingly in touch in the last few years. I visited her in the UK while she was doing her degree, and S and I met up with her in Berlin last year. So it wasn’t that crazy that we met up. She’s going into the education career so it was highly apt that we had this reunion with two of our favourite teachers.

That was the crazy part. I haven’t met Mr. P since I left when I was 12. No – maybe I did when I was 13 and 14. We had a craze of returning to our old schools on teacher’s day just to say hi. But never again. He was my discipline master and I was a prefect for a brief year, so that wasn’t a bad thing that he was a discipline master. He was also my science teacher. We respected him because he knew how to keep order and still be nice.

Ms. L was my favourite English teacher. To me, she was young, hip and cool. She made us write journals (what do ya know, I’m still writing today!) to help us think easily in English, and I took on that task very seriously. While others wrote large legible letters to tell her that they breathed the air, had breakfast, went to school and did their homework, I enjoyed writing about my (then) obsession with the boyband, a1, and how much I loved listening to the radio, calling in, etc.

As I was hesitant to crash their dinner reunion, I hadn’t known what to expect but S encouraged me to do it since he meets up with his favourite teacher from school about once in two years near Christmas. Apparently his teacher taught him gardening, and S is (still) infatuated with gardening. (S looks 20something but is 70 at heart.)

And I’m glad I did. I was first utterly shocked and impressed that both of them looked exactly the same as I remembered from when I was 12. Neither of them looked much older. I would’ve guessed a maximum of 5 years passed by. (It’s been 12 years.) They were still approachable, fatherly and motherly respectively, extremely nurturing and caring as before.

12 years ago, neither of them were parents. Now each have 3 kids, and one is the teacher of the other’s kid. Having dinner with them was also an eye-opener, as I now see them as people with a teaching profession, rather than who were gonna watch my grades and put me in place. They shared tips with J on survival and some rites of passage every new teacher will go through.

Ms. L shared her frustrations with us on the current generation of kids. In particular for one class that she was teaching, the kids are bold and disrespectful, thinking that it’s cool to know words related to sex, etc. I’ve never imagined how tough it would be as a teacher to have to address such concerns. Furthermore, they are sensitive and constantly think they’re being picked on. Whereas for my classmates, we would watch her flare up and later still tell her that we love her. (We do!)

Mr. P shared his worries about him and his son drifting apart. I explained that my brother also went through the same phase, thinking that it ain’t cool to be with your parents. He is such a dedicated dad that he disappeared once during dinner to check on his family who were in the same mall as us. Then his kids later popped by to shyly say hi and tell him that they were leaving. To their shy actions, he said, “This is not like them.” 😀

What I thought would be an awkward dinner turned out to be a night to remember, and we ended up chatting for hours. It’s both humbling and impressive to know that the people who saw me grow up are still amazing nurturers to others today.

If my kids grow up here, I will most certainly make sure they end up in that primary school that watched me grow.

The Firsts in 2011

Some weeks back, I was on course (and still am but this is a different one) and the consultant began his introduction by asking everybody this question. When was the last time you did something for the first time?

I thought this was an absolutely brilliant question! I’ve never pondered over this. I began to think about my whole year – which is highly appropriate seeing as to how this year is coming (really close) to a close.

But I’m proud to say I’ve done the following these year for the first time, ever:

• Run a marathon

Acutally I did two – and I was the kind of girl who barely scrapes through her fitness tests. Running actually is a huge feat and possibly unimaginable a year back. I’ve gotten lazy again though, hopefully next year I would get my act together and run more.

• Watch rugby

Who knows, maybe I’ll understand a new sport every year. This was thoroughly interesting for me. The sport itself is great, the players are huge but gentlemanly, and understanding the need for hakka and such was such an eye-opener!

• Watch a musical

I finally did, I finally did! I caught Wicked (Australian cast) and it was so bloody brilliant, I was mesmerized by everything – the props, the costumes, the acting, the singing, the live orchestra – they were amazing. I would highly, highly recommend it and this will definitely be the start of many to come.

• Drive

I finally passed my driving test this May, and got to drive only a handful of occasions – nevertheless, I love the feeling of empowerment when I’m behind the wheel. This is not to say I’m a brilliant driver though – I’m a horrible reckless driver. (Honesty is the best policy?) That’ll improve over time, I hope.

• Graduate

Hell-freaking-yeah, I did. I had the gown, the mortar board, and all that jazz. I threw my mortar board up in the air. I didn’t trip while getting on stage to receive my certificate. I’m finally a graduate with a Bachelor degree.

• Work, full-time

Yeah, following the above, I’m thankful I’m employed – in a rather well-perceived company, with rather lovely people. Hopefully when I’m back in the office (and receive the full blow of what my working life really is gonna be like), I’ll like it. One can only hope right?

• Work in F&B industry

Oh gosh, this was the best holiday job ever. I loved the food, the people, meeting other people, collecting money, counting money, chopping up vegetables, making coffee. This was honestly, truly, deeply a huge interest of mine that I’ve discovered. Who knows, maybe some path in the future will lead me to F&B!

• Travel to Madrid, Lisbon, Amsterdam, Brussels

I visited the above places for the first time during graduation trip and I liked them! I think I grew as a traveller, to better able to pack light, get more comfortable with wherever I was at, to desire indulging in a local’s life, walking down the streets and enjoying a good cup of coffee, as opposed to filling up my days with monument after monument. Great days!

• Be in Paris alone

This was quite a feat – I’ve been on exchange but I’ve never spent days wandering around the streets of Paris on my own. On one of the days, I walked from 9th arrondisement to 2nd to 1st to 4th to 5th – all in a day. I saw more sights from an aimless walk than I ever did. That was really etched in my mind as I refused to check the metro map. And to be reminded of good memories, and still be fascinated by a city – that is the magic of Paris for me.

• Be in a long-distance relationship

Mmm, I think it’s so damn easy to keep thinking about differences (in time, space, culture, language, traditions, backgrounds, etc), so I think the toughest bit about an LDR is to focus on the similarities and be accepting of the changes we’re undergoing separately. This, I definitely didn’t expect a year ago.

• Witness a lunar eclipse

I swear that was really fascinating. I’ve never seen any before – but apparently there’s a solar eclipse in 2012, looking forward to that!

What have you done for the first time this year?

What could’ve been

I don’t know about you, but every so often it hits me that my life could’ve been very, very different.

Probably because I’m not someone who knew exactly what I wanted, and thereby had many options presented to me instead of having to fight for a specific route. And I guess my parents empowered me with the decision-making authority.

My very first big decision I had to make as a kid was deciding which secondary school to go to. Even with this, I leaned towards school A, but ended up going to school B – thank god because a large number of my great great friends were people I knew from here. Would I have been able to speak better mandarin had I gone to school A? Perhaps. But the joy of being in a girls school (ie school B) was something I thoroughly enjoyed, to be honest. It was a good time to hide from them boys.

Deciding which junior college I wanted to go to was next. And I ended up in the one where I met my ex. No doubt it was clearly scarring experience seeing as to how we’ve left each other’s lives completely, we had good times and I don’t regret having gone through them.

Deciding which university to go to was a close call. But in my university, I met the best group of friends ever and are still in close contact in spite of our hectic lives since graduation. Wouldn’t have had it any other way. I also got to live away from my parents by staying in a hostel with my best friend. I loved that independence though I didn’t love the distance or the ‘book-in’ sundays.

Deciding where to go on exchange – yet another close shave. I had wanted to go to Canada but was rejected. Had I gone there, I wouldn’t have been this head over heels in love with France, French culture, Europe as a whole, etc. I wouldn’t have met these amazing bunch of friends from all over the world (because the French school I ended up in consisted of international students making up 50% of the school population!) and I wouldn’t have met S.

Deciding whether to jump onto the first job offer presented to me was yet another huge dilemma I was going crazy about. Had I taken it, I might be thoroughly unhappy (because it deals with unhappy people), and I would have hated commuting. I would also not have been able to take S around when he came and we may not have ended up the way we are. I would also not have taken up a holiday job at the salad bar, which was so much fun! I loved it, loved the people there and loved what I did for the month and a half!

Lastly, I recently found out that a guy I used to hang out with quite a bit, and used to have a huge thing for, is now engaged. Had anything have happened, things would be so, so different!

For all of above, I say a big WHEW.

The Exam Period

I think I should do one last rant and whine about the exam period because it will be the last of the lot for a long, long while, if any more after.

Things I’ve noticed about the exam period:

1. Food tastes better. In fact it tastes so good I’ve to search for something to put in my mouth every hour.
2. All the TV shows are amazing. If something’s on, I’m hooked. Even if it’s psycho-scary, or a movie I’ve watched before.
3. Even the news is better. I spend half an hour each day just reading the papers like I’ve not done before. From front page to world news to home news to life. Yes.
4. I’m always sleepy. Put me in a spot for an hour and I start to yawn. I sleep earlier and wake up later and I’m still tired.
5. Future plans are always on my mind. I start thinking about what I wanna do after the exams, what I wanna accomplish, what I wanna pack in my bags, etc.

Yawn. I’m sleepy.

I need a break

On the off chance that I’m not chilling and watching television, I’m stressing out. Yes, I swing from side to side.

I think I’m giving myself too much to worry about. They’re manageable tasks to be done and I would have had no qualms about dealing with this last year. My ability to manage a portfolio of stress seems to have shrunk. And I avoid having a life because that makes me guilty.

I seriously need to chill.

Speaking of which, did you know such things do exist? Jesus. It’s apparently a vitamin booster.

The End Is Near…

Oh my gosh, how did this happen.

It’s the end of the week (cue: Friday, Friday…) and so I’ve officially 3 weeks of school to go. That makes it officially 9 days of school left. Before the exams. But that’s not the main gist. Before Europe – so, so important but also not the main story here.

Before (cue scary ‘shark attack’ music)… graduation.

Holy fish and chips.

How did this happen? How did I grow up? I just took the week off to recuperate from the worst week of my life, and here I am, almost at the end of my undergraduate education? Golly, this marks 15 years of education! (Thank heavens I have parents who think I’m worth all that education money.)

Work? What work? Job search is really not that exhausting because I’m so bloody picky. I actually sought my brother’s advice yesterday. I asked, “Should I just spam everyone with my resumes? Even companies that I’ve no interest in?” Except I didn’t say “companies I’ve no interest in”, I actually named the companies. And on hindsight today I’m slightly disappointed that I even had to ask such a question. I felt like I lost myself in the process.

It’s amazing how many stories I’m hearing of people around me snapping up jobs, excelling in their interviews, signing contracts. Oh golly, to say I feel peer pressure is undermining it. Not to mention the number of rejection letters I’m stocking up. Not to mention the number of weeks left to graduation.

But right now I’ve need to do a self-intervention. Because I’m gonna be okay even if I don’t get a job waiting for me right after graduation. Just because society and the smart friends I have are gonna work their butts off immediately after graduation and I’m gonna be crazy broke and petrified, I’m not gonna let this pressurize me to close an eye and decide to go with whichever sounds pleasant and pays. I’m gonna find a company I’m interested in that wants me back.

Uh, I don’t know if that’s a wise intervention. It sounds like I’m finding a boyfriend or a husband for that matter and it is not looking great.

The end is looming too damn fast, I need time to slow down for a sec. No, scratch that, I need time to slow down a lot.

Personal space

Yesterday I had one of the most enjoyable brief moment in an otherwise dreadfully overloaded class.

My prof began talking about cross-cultural business and social contexts. As he injected his own funny and sorry states of confused anecdotes about how he was when he first arrived in Singapore (he’s English), I had vague flashbacks to my times of confusion in Europe! I guess, in a way, the east and west cultures that are almost at opposite ends. Asians aren’t touchy-feely, so we bow, wave, put our palms together, etc to say hi. In contrast, Westerners hug, kiss, pat each other on their backs.

I went to Europe in fall 2009 knowing that I will be spending most of my time in France, so I researched about their social norms and I knew they had to faire la bise, i.e. air kiss on both cheeks. A dear friend even gave me a lesson on how to do that before I left. (It was also only then that I realized it was an air kiss and not an actual kiss on the cheeks! Haha)

Although she was a dear friend, it was awkward! Which Singaporean kisses their friend when sober? How do I reach in to do that! Which cheek should I go for first? Do we stand apart or do we have to go really near? Do I kiss the girls only or the guys too? Will I be comfortable kissing the guys? Do I kiss everyone I meet or only my friends? When will it be considered friendly enough to kiss them?

It was a million questions they don’t ask but I had running through my head. I had my first faire la bise with an Italian when I was at the hostel in Rome. He was really friendly but all I remembered was that he was unshaven! It was slightly grainy and pokey. But aha! I’ve tried it! It was pretty damn awkward though because we barely spoke for an hour… So I guess it wasn’t long to build familiarity!

(Oh okay now I remember more about him, he was juggling a ton of jobs and I felt really lousy about my uneventful student life.)

When we got to school after some backpacking, the international students were more hesitant to show any form of warm greeting. It was too soon and I guess we were slightly homesick and still adapting. I didn’t even do an Asian enthusiastic wave, just walked up to people and said, hey!

Over time, we began the hugging culture. I guess Singaporeans do hug but my hugging self dissipated when I left secondary school. (Girl schools and their crazy hugging, you know the drill. At this point, I only hugged people I haven’t seen for ages and missed dearly.) So it was slightly weird that I had a hug a bunch of people when all I know were their names and the countries they were from!

I guess one of the most memorable moments I had with this greeting thing was when I was crashing my friend’s project meeting with a local (French). Then more local friends came over and so we were introduced. When that occurred, they actually took the effort to go round the table, to my side, said hi and made the kiss greeting… all within seconds of meeting! I mean, like every other ways of greeting, bowing, waving, superficial or not, this has got to be one of the warmest ways of saying hi!

Gradually, some of us decided to follow the French and do the faire la bise after a while. It was a strange, random and sudden switch, presumably with the influence of some local friends. Sometimes I’ll know when they are going to kiss me, but when I’m not sure I’ll just wait till they initiate it. After a while, I stopped noticing the guys’ shave! 😉

So I completely understand the awkward social contexts people face when travelling. When a French friend came over to Singapore and I reached in to do the kiss, he was slightly confused because he had anticipated that I was just going to wave hi!

Isn’t the world interesting!

Plea

Il est temps. Je dois m’inquiéter. Tout le monde devient les grandes personnes. Nous parlons toujours sur où voulons-nous travailler. (Tout ce que nous parlons, ça!)

J’ai très peur. Je n’ai rien idée.

J’espère que je vais trouver exactement qu’est-ce que je voudrais de ma vie. Bientôt!

(PS: This could be very flawed; I can only be bothered to google translate this many times!)

Soaring expectations

Grades on a piece of paper. In this case, electronically on my screen.

You would think that you’d get used to this after years of going through getting your parents’ signature on your report slip, and frequent assessment, but I’m never used to it.

You’d think you’d get a better estimate or expectation after these experience too, but somehow I don’t.

I mean, maybe I do, but I don’t. Confused? Mmm.

Should I warn you that I’m in the midst of wallowing in self-pity? Probably.

No matter what happens, I’ve never been happy upon receiving my grades. Ever. It isn’t parental pressure but I just don’t think my grades are that great. They could’ve been better.

Even when I’ve expected them, I still think ah crap, it could’ve exceeded my expectations. (I know, strange concept..)

Even if I’ve exceeded expectations in one, the other ‘balances it off’ and the positive energy is once again gone. This is absolutely terrible. I shouldn’t have to feel this way. On hindsight, I’m like meh, it was okay, I didn’t screw up (much).

But its just something I can never get happy about. Why’s that?!

Directions

For the longest time I had been deliberating, what would I like to do for my first job?

But I was certain about the scope of work I wanted to do. It is what I’ve been doing for the past 2.5 years. It is what I’m trained to think and analyse in terms of. It is, now, me.

And it’s times like today I get stumped by things that go announced. And then I think, maybe I’m not very good at this. Maybe I’m not cut out for this. Maybe I’ve got soul but no substance. What the heck is my future gonna be?!

I need some kind of sign (or lots of talk) about how this is still the right direction for me. Because I’ve cordoned off a lot of options, oh gosh. This stinks. Being able to SMELL the end of my school life stinks.

How do people do it? How do they know exactly what they want?